


The Tony Stark Guide to Monogamy

by Sapphy, SapphyWatchesYouSleep (Sapphy)



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: And Thor gets a little bit incesty, But it's all fine, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Pepper is wonderful, Pepper should probably just get Tony castrated, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Relationships are hard work, Tony is so worth it, Tony tries to seduce the Avengers, and Pepper and Bruce watch from the sidelines and snigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-07-07
Packaged: 2017-11-05 15:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/SapphyWatchesYouSleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony tries to get his head around monogamy and relationships. Pepper is ever so patient.</p><p> </p><p>So basically this is Tony trying, and largely failing, to seduce his team while Pepper watches from the sidelines and possibly sniggers. And eats popcorn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pepper Potts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [some_stars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_stars/gifts).



> This is being posted immediately after writing, so there may be some mistakes. Sorry. This is also my first attempt at writing either character and I think I may have got their voices a bit wrong. Also sorry.

“So,” Tony says, looking at Pepper where she stands by the breakfast bar, dressed only in one of his shirts.

“So?”

“Yesterday. There were… declarations. And kissing. And then slow romantic type sex.”

“There was,” Pepper agrees solemnly, her eyes crinkling with amusement.

“Does that mean we’re in a relationship?” he asks, then adds quickly when she begins to frown, “I’m not objecting, just, you know, asking for clarification. This is a bit new to me.”

“New?”

“This, you know, relationships with people you like thing. People you actually care about. In a long term sort of way. Also you passed all the tests.”

“The tests?” Pepper’s eyebrows rise alarmingly.

“You know, the three tests a person has to pass in order to become Tony Stark’s girlfriend. Or, you know, boyfriend maybe, but I’ve never really tried that much. And you’re a girlfriend obviously.”

“Obviously,” she replies. “What are the tests?”

“Well there’s sex. Generally that’s the first date. Is the sex good, does she like the same stuff as me. Does she want to dress me in a giant diaper. ‘Cos seriously, that happened once and it was weird. Then there’s a second test, which is conversation. Is she capable of having one, is she prepared to listen to me talk about myself for an hour solid. That sort of thing. That’s the second date. Some people pass both of those. Although they generally get bored with listening to my narcissism up close quite quickly.”

“The trick is to tune it out and just scan for key phrases that suggest you’re going to blow something up or give away all your money,” Pepper says sagely.

“The third test,” Tony says, deliberately ignoring her “Is the most important, and the one which almost no one ever passes. In fact, up till you, only three people had ever passed it, and of those, one was a journalist looking for a story, one was trying to assassinate me and one was Caitlin. It was a shame she had to go and mess with Dummy, I liked her.”

“She was an escaped mental patient who had been stalking you for six months, Tony,” Pepper says severely, though she’s long ago accepted that they will never see eye to eye on the subject of Tony’s fourteenth girlfriend.

“She shared my own appreciation of my brilliance,” Tony says airily. “But as I was saying, the third test, which is the most important, is that of being stood up by me. Because, you know, that’s going to happen. Probably a lot. I forget, or I get really absorbed in something and loose track of time, or I have to defend the earth from demons, or rebuild my arc reactor, or I get kidnapped. That kind of stuff. Happens all the time when you’re me. So a girl has to be willing to put up with being stood up. And you did. You do. So you passed all the tests. Although you did them in the wrong order. I object to that. But that wasn’t really your fault. But my point is that you passed all the tests, and you’re not stalking me or trying to kill me or interview me or anything. And that’s a first. As were the… declarations. So I thought I’d better check.”

“Yes Tony,” Pepper says, patient as always, “we are in a relationship. I am your girlfriend or partner or whatever you want to call it.”

Tony frowns. He looks worried.

“What is it?” Pepper asks. She’s known Tony long enough to know not to try and guess what he’s thinking. It’s almost never what you assume. Well, except when it comes to pretty girls or being handed things.

“Does that mean monogamy?” Tony asks, sounding worried.

“Usually, yes.”

“Oh. I’m not so good with monogamy. I mean I try. I’ve tried. Tried loads of times. I’m not very good at it. I mean look at Christine. And Sara. I tried really hard with both of them.”

“You were dating them at the same time.”

“Well, yeah, a little bit. But that’s my point. I’m not good at monogamy. It’s rules. I’m not good at sticking to the rules. I try, but then something happens and I get distracted or I forget or I’m on a high and I don’t care. And then people get upset. And I don’t want to hurt you Pep.”

Pepper smiles. While declarations of love from Tony had been nice (lovely in fact) she almost hadn’t believed them. They were so out of character. She’d got the feeling that he was saying them because he thought he ought to. But this is Tony really declaring his love. This slightly incomprehensible speech about how he will probably cheat on her is how she really knows that he loves her. He lookes confused when her eyes go soft with affection and she reaches out to pull him close for a kiss.

“Was that good then?” he asks, surprised. “I thought that would probably be bad. I mean I said it anyway, ‘cos it needed to be said. But I thought you’d be mad.”

“It was just so…” Pepper sketches in the air with her long hands, searching for the word she wants, “you. So you. And I know you, Tony. I’ve known you for years. I’d like it if you were to swear you’d be faithful to me, but I’d much rather you were truthful with me than lied.”

Tony nods. That to him, as his questioning had been to Pepper, is the real declaration of love. She wants him to tell the truth, even though she knows well enough that the truth will often be unpalatable.

“I can’t promise all the things people are supposed to promise,” he tells her seriously. “I won’t remember our anniversaries or always be nice to you or even be faithful to you. I can’t promise that I won’t fly off without warning to get beaten up by aliens. But I can promise that I’ll always come back to you.”

Pepper smiles. That is all she asks for.


	2. Interlude

Tony does pretty well, all things considered, at remaining monogamous. No science groupies, or Iron Man groupies (although those are mostly seven year old boys). Not even any of the attractive women they keep sending to serve him with writs and subpoenas. He stays completely faithful (so long as you don’t count fantasies and Tony’s done some research and concluded that even people who aren’t Pepper and brilliant and forgiving don’t) until a Norse god (who can’t possibly be a god but Tony can’t get a straight answer about what he actually is and Bruce refuses to help him obtain and test some of Thor’s DNA) steals some magic power brick.

After the battle there’s a lot of general milling about and Tony realises that half these people are only here because of Loki and therefore only have SHEILD barracks to live in. So he invites them to stay. Well, except for Loki because gorgeous as he is, Tony is not having him come anywhere near Pepper or the suits or JARVIS or anything else Tony cares about.

He decides he actually likes having them all living in the tower, it’s nice to have someone around all the time because Pepper’s usually away on a business trip of some kind, and anyway she’s still angry with him about the whole suicide mission thing. It’s really easy to make Pepper angry if you’re Tony Stark.

When Pepper gets back from whatever trip she was on, she comments on the attractiveness of the people Tony now lives with and Tony pretends not to have noticed, which is ridiculous because Tony would have to be blind not to, and they have a long and very serious chat about monogamy and how totally brilliant Pepper is and how, if Tony seduces Steve, he has to video it for her. With or without Steve’s consent. And Tony comments on the attractiveness of Pepper’s new PA and Pepper blushes and they have another long conversation, this time about how Tony doesn’t expect Pepper to be bound by any rules he isn’t and also about whether she might possibly consider a threesome. By the end of the night they have a very complicated system for working out when it is or isn’t okay to sleep with other people, which Tony likes because he’s good at complicated systems, they’re like programming but for the real world, and Tony has Pepper’s tacit permission to attempt to seduce his team mates. He objects to the word ‘attempt' and Pepper laughs at him. But she kisses him as well so he forgives her.


	3. Thor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be Tony trying to seduce Thor and Thor being adorably oblivious. Apparently though Thor is more worldly than I (wanted to) know. I can only apologise.
> 
> The Norse word Trenio (which should have loads of accents on it) actually means wooden carvings of two men having sex. I picked the word pretty much at random.
> 
> The bits about Thor marrying a giant (although not the bit about the consummation of the marriage) and about Loki giving birth to a horse are both actual Norse myths. The Vikings were very very weird.

Thor’s grinning his hundred megawatt someone-should-just-make-him-the-poster-boy-for-aliens-and-everyone-would-welcome-the-invasion smile when Tony lands beside him.

“You look like you enjoyed that nearly as much as I did,” he comments as he eases of the faceplate. It got a little bent out of shape during the fight and it’s really starting to get uncomfortable.

“Of course, my iron friend,” Thor booms. “A good warrior always enjoys a true test of his mettle. Too long have I been confined within the elegant halls of my father’s hall. I had begun to feel like one of the court maidens. Now, once again, I feel like a warrior!”

“You know, I don’t think anyone could ever mistake you for a maiden, Thor.”

Thor clapped him on the back and Tony staggered forward under the blow, even with the armour to support him.

“There you are wrong, shield brother. Thrymm, king of the giants, was once so enamoured of my maidenly beauty that he married me and took me too his bed.”

Tony feels his mind slowly grinding to a halt with shock. It’s a feeling he’s become familiar with since he met Thor.

“Did he not notice his mistake once he had you in his bed?” Not imagining Thor in a dress, not imagining Thor in a dress… oh who’s he trying to kid. Of course he’s imagining Thor in a dress. And out of a dress…

“My brother Loki took care of that with a spell he developed when we were still young. Such fun we had with that spell…” Not imagining Thor fucking girl Loki, not imagining Thor fucking girl Loki. Thor is definitely bad for both Tony’s already delicate mental health, and for his self-control. Because Loki would make a really hot girl.

“Did you and he…”

Thor laughs and claps a hand on Tony’s back. “Nay, my friend. Then we still believed ourselves to be brothers by blood rather than by bond. Such a thing is forbidden in the realms of Asgaard for fear of what fruit might be born of such a union.”

“Men can get pregnant on Asgaard?!”

“But of course, if they are in the skins of women. Is such a thing not possible here?”

“Nope. Definitely not. I can confirm that because I am ridiculously fertile and so far no handsome young men have tried to bring paternity suits against me.”

“Ah, my shield brother, embrace me!” Tony swears he can hear the suit buckling under the strength of Thor’s bear hug. “I had thought that the men of Midgaard appreciated only the charms of women. It cheers me to learn that you too know the joys of trenio!”

“Is it common on Asgaard then?”

“But of course. What kind of people would limit themselves to loving only one gender? And with magic, children may be born to all couples. Why, my beloved brother birthed Sliepnir, the eight legged steed of the all father!”

Tony’s mind is doing that grinding thing again and he’s trying not to think about the concept of Loki giving birth to an eight legged horse. He needs a distraction.

“Do you maybe want to have sex with me?” he asks, hoping that that will stop Thor from reminiscing about his brother.

“Friend Tony, I am honoured that you would wish to lay with me, but I must be honest with you. Now that I know the truth of my brother’s heritage, I know that I can love no other. For many years I believed what I wanted was forbidden. Now that the glorious truth is revealed to me, Loki has my heart.”

Normally Tony would point out that he wasn’t exactly asking for love, more about an hour of his time, but this time he just leaves. And makes a mental note to never ever mention this conversion to anyone else. Ever.


	4. Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to stress that I have no idea if Maine even has a first legally married gay couple (I'm English, it probably shows) but if it does and they're reading this, Sorry.

Tony really hadn’t expected Captain America to have a nice arse. Not that he’d thought about it much. Well, alright, maybe a little. But less that he thinks stuff like that about most other people. He does though. He really really does. It’s actually kind of distracting.

“You know you have, like, the perfect arse?” he says to Steve one afternoon, when they’re walking back from a briefing with SHEILD. It’s a nice day so Steve had insisted they have the briefing outside. It’s the kind of thing he does. New Yorkers are now mostly used to the sight of off-duty Avengers wondering around their city, but Fury had gotten some really odd looks.

Steve just stares at him.

“What?” Tony asks, throwing his hands up defensively. “I was just saying. Am I not supposed to notice, just ‘cos you’re from the past? Anyway, that was a compliment. I was being nice. It’s like that team bonding stuff you were going on about the other day.”

Steve is still staring.

“Wait, did no one brief you on the whole gay rights thing? ‘Cos that’s happing, whether you like it or not. Hang on…” He taps his ever present ear piece. “JARVIS, have I done a pro-gay marriage press conference yet? ‘Cos I’m pretty sure I meant to.”

“No sir. You intended to schedule one but in the end you joined in the New York Gay Pride parade and were photographed with your hands down the trousers of Maine’s first legally married gay couple instead. Miss Potts attempted to get you to discuss the matter with the press the next day but you refused, claiming you were too hung over.”

“Oh yeah, I actually remember that now. They were really nice guys. They never did call though.”

Steve hasn’t stopped staring at him.

“Look, Cap, there was this big movement and now guys can marry one another. Also women. I mean women can marry one another, not that men can marry women. Obviously men can marry women, that was legal even back in your time. So it’s legal to be homosexual now. Or bisexual. Or pansexual, or pretty much whatever you want, so long as everyone’s an adult and says yes. Well, and technically so long as no one gets physically hurt, but I’ve got some people from legal working on that. Way I see it, if you can consent to surgery, you can consent to knifeplay. And you’re still just staring at me Cap, it’s starting to get pretty creepy. You know what, forget I said it. Forget I said all of this. Go back into your cosy little time travel bubble where no one’s gay and Natasha is the only member of the team who notices your perfect arse.”

“Aren’t you married to Miss Potts?”

Now it’s Tony’s turn to stare. “That was your problem? Jesus Steve, you really need to get up to speed on the 21st century. Even people in normal monogamous relationships are allowed to comment on the attractiveness of other people. I checked with JARVIS and everything. Fancying people other than your partner is normal. And we’re not married. And she told you to call her Pepper, I hate it when you call her Miss Potts, it sounds like she’s your boss, which in turn makes me feel like I employ you and I don’t want to employ you. You’d be a rubbish employee. Plus, I’m now forbidden to ogle my employees. There was a lawsuit. Or three.”

Finally he gets a reaction other than shocked silence from Steve.

“You know Stark, every time I think maybe you’re actually a decent person under all that stupid bluff, you go and say something like that and remind me what a, a… really terrible person you really are!”

“You won’t swear even when you’re insulting me? That’s actually kind of adorable!”

“Here’s the thing I really don’t get, Tony. What’s a really swell girl like Pepper doing going out with a douche-bag like you? She could do so much better.”

Tony smiles. He hasn’t often been certain of anything in his life that isn’t mechanical, but if there’s one thing he has unshaking trust in, it’s Pepper. “Because she loves me, Steve. Because I love her. I know things were pretty uptight back in the dark ages but surely even before you went into the ice, you’d heard of love. You may not approve of the way we choose to live, but don’t you dare question my feelings for Pepper! This might be little complicated for a brain like yours, but here’s the thing. My wanting to have sex with you doesn’t affect my relationship with Pepper, any more than her paying the rent for a spectacularly handsome young man in Rio does.”

Steve is back to staring again. Tony’s starting to think that he’s broken him.

“You want to have sex with me?!”

Tony shakes his head. “Not any more, Steve. I don’t think I could handle the recriminations you’d heap on me. Nothing kills the mood like being judged by someone old enough to be your father.”

“Thank God for that. Tony, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m… just not like that. I’m really not interested in you. I like girls. I’m really sorry, and I’m sorry I said those mean things to you, because you’re a really swell guy but…”

Tony claps his hands over his ears. “I need you to stop talking Right Now, Cap. This is just getting embarrassing. JARVIS can you drown him out with the ACDC?”

Steve’s left standing in the street, staring after Tony who’s strolled away, nodding his head to the beat of the racket he called music. The 21st century is a very weird place but he has a feeling that most of the weirdness he’s just experienced is pure Tony Stark.


	5. Natasha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything written in italics is said in Russian.

“You know, you’re really very sexy.”

“ _Pathetic_. Is that your attempt at charm, Stark?”

“Hey, considering you lied to me and then stuck a needle full of dubious chemicals in my neck, I think I’m being pretty nice attempting to be charming at all.”

“ _You’re a narcissistic, egotistical pillock, Stark._ ”

“ _And you’re perfectly aware that I speak Russian, aren’t you_?”

She gives him her widest, least sincere smile. “Of course. I wrote your file for SHIELD, remember?”

“Then why do you only insult me in Russian? Apart from the fact that it sounds very sexy when you do?”

“It’s a good language for insulting people in.”

“That’s very true. Very dramatic sounding. Russians used to be so dramatic. What happened to that? Did the soviets somehow drain all the passion out of you? Some kind of big communist emotional vacuum?” He takes a sip of his smoothie and pulls a face. “This tastes like vibranium.”

“You have the shortest attention span of anyone I’ve ever met Stark. You were trying to seduce me a moment ago.”

“Can I not seduce you while drinking my chlorophyll, red pepper and vibranium smoothie?”

Natasha shakes her head, but her exasperation is at least partly fond.

“Look Stark, I think things will be a lot easier between us if we just get this out of the way. I am not, ever, under any circumstances, going to have sex with you. You could be dying and it could be your last request and I would still not sleep with you. And if you don’t stop flirting with me…”

“Wait, you want me to stop flirting? You are aware that I’m constitutionally incapable of interacting with anyone over the age of about 12 without flirting, right?”

“Very well. If you don’t stop flirting with me beyond the basic level you require in order to be able to communicate with me, I will tie you to your lab bench and pull out your finger nails with my eyebrow tweezers.”

“How come you’re still allowed to flirt?”

“Get out, Stark.”

“Very, very sexy.”


	6. Clint

Tony gives Clint his very best charming grin. It’s pretty damn charming. He may possibly have spent several hours in his late teens practising it in front of a mirror.

Clint takes a step back.

Tony takes a step forward, secure in the knowledge that Clint can only back away so far before he reaches the kitchen counter and Tony has him trapped. And that sounds psychotic, even for him.

To his annoyance, Clint ruins his perfectly crafted plan by doing a neat backflip up onto the kitchen counter. Tony has this vague feeling Pepper told him something once about not standing on kitchen work surfaces but it probably wasn’t all that important.

“Don’t even think about it Stark,” Clint says, hand going to the back pocket where Tony is pretty sure he has a collapsible crossbow hidden. “Natasha will kill you in really horrible and imaginative ways if you try it on with me. And then she’d get fired, and I’d have to quit in solidarity, and I like my job.”

Tony really doesn’t mean to ask, “How horrible?” It’s not his fault that he thinks things like that. It’s probably genetic.

“Jesus, Stark, is there anything that doesn’t get you hard?”

“Yes. Some things. I totally have a list. Pepper asked me to make one. It’s not a very long list. But it does have some actual stuff on it and not all of it is stuff I looked up on the internet late at night just so I could have something to go on it. Some of it is actual stuff people not currently in prison do for fun.”

“Well trust me, Tash angry with you should definitely be on your list.” He looks hard at Tony and adds, “And that really wasn’t a challenge.”

Tony shrugs and resigns himself to the fact that no one on his team understands him. He’s like the world’s oldest teenager.

“Hey, if you’re turning me down does this mean you and Natasha are a proper couple now?”

“Stark, this may be hard for you to grasp but there are actually people who don’t want to sleep with you. A lot of them.”

“Yeah? Name one!”

“Steve.”

Tony shakes his head, despairing of the lack of human decency among his so-called friends. “That was a low blow, Bird man.”

“Get out of my kitchen, Tony.”

“Technically, it’s my kitchen.”

“Yeah, but the only things in it you can actually use are the coffee machine and the smoothie maker.”

“Like you’re any better!”

“I can make waffles and pancakes,” Clint retorts, his bare toes clutching at the edge of the counter. “That’s more than you can.”

“I’m actually an excellent cook. Why does no one ever believe me? I _like_ my smoothies. I could cook food. Or, you know, buy food, but smoothies are better. They don’t require any chewing.”

Clint shakes his head. “I don’t understand how anyone who regularly works 70 hours straight can be so lazy.”

“Yeah? Well I don’t understand how someone with supposedly perfect eyesight can look at me and not want to have sex with me!” And alright, that was maybe a little childish, but Tony has never been ashamed of his narcissism. And Clint and Natasha are totally a couple. And he’s going to tell Fury. And maybe put it on facebook.


	7. Bruce

Tony loves Pepper. More than loves her, even. He adores her. Worships her. Can’t imagine living without her and scares himself with the intensity of his feelings for her (because he’s never experienced anything this intense before, not even that time he set himself on fire). But if Tony were to write love poetry to anyone (which he will never ever do, one disastrous attempt in his teens not withstanding) it would be to Bruce.

Him and Pepper have a history that makes their relationship… volatile. They love each other, adore each other, but they’ve spent too many years together, weathered to many storms, not to hurt one another. Even in their most intimate moments, they’re still trying to get one over on one another, fingers and minds seeking out the cracks, the soft spots, new and interesting ways to hurt one another (and Tony’s all in favour of the physical pain, especially when Pepper smiles just so, but he’s really not a big fan of emotional pain). He loves Pepper with all his heart, but their love is too raw and volatile for love poetry. (He’s sure English professors everywhere would disagree, but he’s Tony fucking Stark and if he says no poetry then there will Be No Poetry). What he feels for Bruce is less intense, but also purer.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, about Bruce he doesn’t love. The way his brow wrinkles when he’s doing simultaneous equations, the way he shuffles his feet when Tony compliments him, the way he turns into a giant green rage monster, the fact that he does naked Yoga in rooms where Tony has cameras installed. Especially the last one, if he’s honest. But unbelievable amounts of lust aside, what Tony feels for Bruce is pure and gentle and hardly violent at all. So if anyone were to get love poetry from Tony Stark, it would be Bruce. He doesn’t, he gets new Hulk-proof fabrics, and a lab full of radiation stuff Tony doesn’t understand, but it’s the same thing, really.

It probably seems illogical therefore, to everyone who isn’t Tony (or Pepper, who knows him inside out) that Bruce is the last member of the Avengers Tony attempts to seduce. It’s not illogical, nothing Tony ever does is illogical, his mind just works to a system of logic that only he can see. 

Bruce is leaning against the counter, watching a vial of his blood spinning round in the centrifuge, looking ridiculously gorgeous. Although Tony might be a little bit biased. And Tony decides, sod it, he’s waited long enough. (He’s known Bruce for nearly four months now and not jumped him. He feels that demonstrates epic self-control on his part).

Usually, his seductions consist of grabbing the other person and kissing them for all he’s worth and then waiting to see if they hit him. He’s not sure that’s a good idea with Bruce though, given his condition (because Bruce Hulking out when Tony’s trying to kiss him wouldn’t be good, even allowing for the Hulk fantasies that Tony will never tell anyone about, not even Pepper). So instead, he has to try actually talking to him about his feelings, which Tony is not happy about, but prepared to tolerate if it means getting into Bruce’s trousers.

“So, er, Bruce? Here’s the thing. I’m madly in love with you and I’m really hoping you’re going to agree to have sex with me soon, because I’m not sure my brain can handle the levels of unfulfilled sexual desire. And it would be really bad if anything happened to my brain. The lives of, like, thousands of people depend on my brain. Actually, yeah, you have to have sex with me. For the good of the country.”

There’s a long awkward silence during which Bruce stares and Tony wonders how close to completion that mind wipe ray he’s been working on actually is. Erasing all memory of what he’d just said from both their minds is looking more and more like a brilliant idea.

Eventually Bruce speaks. “You’re madly in love with me?”

“Yes. Yes, actually, I am. And that’s good. Let’s focus on that bit, and not the other stuff I said because I acknowledge that that was a bit weird, even by my standards. I’m not very good at this seduction thing. Generally I don’t need to bother. Most people just want to have sex with me. I don’t have to persuade them.”

“Does Pepper know you’re madly in love with me?”

Tony can’t help wondering why everyone’s so convinced that he’s taking advantage of Pepper. They’ve met Pepper. Surely they recognise that it is actually impossible to take advantage of a woman that in control of… well, everything.

“Yes, Pepper knows. Pepper knows everything, had you not noticed? Knowing everything is possibly actually her job.”

“Tony, her job is running your company.”

“And knowing everything. Including the fact that I am madly in love with you. Especially your mind. Not that your body isn’t nice, it is. It really really is. But your mind… You have a very sexy brain Dr Banner.”

“If anyone else had said that, it would have sounded really creepy. From you, it’s actually kind of sweet. Although I’m slightly disappointed you’re not keener on my body, given all the nude yoga I did for you.”

“I told you, I love your body, your body’s… Wait, you knew I was watching?”

“Tony, I’m under the age of seventy and doing nude yoga in your house. Of course I knew you were watching.”

“So, all this time you knew I wanted to get into your pants and you didn’t say anything? You’re a cruel cruel man Bruce.”

“You turn into a huge green rage monster when you get too excited, you learn to delay gratification.”

“Wait, do you Hulk out during sex? ‘Cos if you do, I need to know in advance. Not that I’d object, of course. I could totally work with that. I have no objections to sex getting a little rough. Or a little painful. Or, you know, very painful. Those things are totally not on my list of things which kill my boner. But if you do Hulk out during sexy times, you are not ever to tell Clint, because then he’d call me a size queen and then I’d have to kill him. And I like Clint. He’s cheerful, in a really irritating kind of way.”

“Tony, do you ever listen to the things which come out of your mouth?”

“No. Or I try not to. Plausible deniability. You know I actually got out of a sexual harassment lawsuit once by convincing the judge that I genuinely had no control over what I was saying. Which was nice, because it was a stupid lawsuit. I really didn’t deserve to be sued. That time.”

“If I kiss you, will you stop talking?”

“Basic anatomy suggests yes.”

“And past experience?”

“50/50. It could go either way. I think you should try it and find out.”

Bruce did, and discovered that not only did it shut Tony up, but Tony was a really good kisser. Not that that was much of a surprise. Betty used to read the celebrity gossip magazines and every issue had had at least one picture of Tony Stark falling into, or out of, bed with someone.

Bruce pulled back long enough to say, “No, Tony, I don’t Hulk out during sex. And no, that’s not a challenge.”

Tony made what sounded distinctly like a disappointed noise, so Bruce was forced to kiss him again to shut him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this, why not come and be my friend on tumblr. Find me and my recs over at gluttonforpunishment.tumblr.com


End file.
